Grief: Premonitions and Prepositions
Originally posted on my personal Facebook page, 11/3/2019
My sister calls them coincidences; some of them I call premonitions and others I call signs. Maybe they're just oddities or maybe it is some form of cosmic or spiritual communication beyond our understanding.
Whatever it is, here is an example.
Jim, my husband, had no idea his heart was on the verge of failing when he gave me the pictured necklace one week before he died.
Parrotheads will recognize "breathe in, breathe out, move on" as the title lyric of a song Jimmy Buffett wrote for New Orleans after Katrina. It has since shown up on many memes shared after various tragedies. I like the song, but I never knew if Jim did because it was never a song we talked about or that had particular significance to us. And I like the necklace, but I didn't tell Jim my initial reaction when I first saw it. It puzzled me somewhat to receive these words -- usually associated with loss and tragedy -- on Christmas Day at one of the happiest times in our lives, when we were more excited than ever about our future.
The words "move on" trigger many in grief. The common, knee-jerk response to these words is "You don't move on, you move through." I've even had well-intentioned people say that to me when I've shown them the necklace, not understanding they are criticizing a treasured gift. They are trying to make a valid point. The grief of a significant loss never goes away. The hope is that over time -- and the length of time is different for everyone -- you incorporate it into your life and other emotions eventually creep back in to exist alongside it. At least that's how I understand it.
Many people in grief get angry at being told to "move on" because they feel they are being told to stop loving someone, stop missing someone, stop being sad, forget about an important part of their lives and themselves as if it never existed. I completely understand that, and agree wholeheartedly that "move on" is an asshole thing to say to someone in grief if that is what you mean.
But I never took it that way. Not that I'm smarter than anyone else or in any way special, but I just take it to mean "keep moving" or "move forward," even if you don't know where you're going. I looked it up this morning, and "forward" is listed as a synonym for "on" in this context. "Away" is not. You can take something with you when you move forward with it, but not when you move away from it. Jimmy Buffett sings, "Don't try to shake it." What I hear is "Move forward, but take it with you." Grief is love. I'm not going to move away from my love, but will move forward with it (and him) always in my heart. That's what moving on means to me.